Oh dear, I really freakin want a boyfriend. I just read about Sarah B. getting sung to as she falls asleep. I want that. I want to be sung to, I want to be kissed and cuddled. I want to be given a sweater to wear when it's cold. I want flowers and pictures given to me. I want to have doors opened for me and JUST me. I want to go on a date. I want to be kissed goodnight. I want long hugs.

Last week, my friend Brad was voted Biggest Flirt at school. To celebrate, he was giving all his female friends kisses. He kissed me on the cheek, which is usual for him. But then he kissed me on the neck, which doesn't mean anything, coming from him, but a kiss on the neck is so sweet and so intimate. It just brought it all back and as I walked to my next class, I had to try not to cry.

And last night, I saw my ex boyfriend and he was wearing the sweater he'd given to me, and I'd given back when we broke up. The one that smelled like him, that I would sleep in. And he'd ripped a hole in it.

I want a boyfriend. And I have no options availible to me. None at all.

Sometimes I can't stand him. When he takes a step back when I take one forward, when he acts so in fear. When he is so obviously hiding his feelings and I can see through him, but when I call him on it, he denies it. When he can't take the heat. When he's so self concious or indecisive.

But other times, I can't stand to be away from him. When we talk, and I know he's really listening to me, that he really cares about what I'm saying. When he's the only one in the world who can understand. What's that line from Fight Club? "When people think you're dying, they really listen to you instead of just waiting for their turn to talk." That's how he always is with me. He is never just waiting for his turn to talk. When he tries so hard to make me feel better.

It's a good thing, I suppose, that at times I despise him. It makes it easy to push him out of my head. But tonight I'm feeling lonely again, and when you feel sick, all you want is someone to cuddle with and take care of you.