Sometimes, I'd really like to get inside his head.

Like, does he want to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him? Does he want to be able to hang out, just the two of us, as much as I do? And if he does, what does that mean? What do all of his actions mean? When he walks off alone, does he want me to follow him? When I touch his arm, does he wish I didn't? When he says he's not lonely, does he mean it the same way I wish I could mean it? When he says he's missing me dearly, does he mean it in that way?

My favorite source of advice tells me not to think so much. He's right, I know. But I've invested so much emotion in this, I just wanna know what he's thinking.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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I dont want to be one, I want to get one.

Would everyone agree that the three most desirable elements of a relationship are communication/honesty, understanding and forgiveness?

With the diffusion of the Claremore factor, I'm starting to realize why love for the original sparked up so much in the shadow of that threat.

Before all that happened, I was getting along fine. I saw both boys, the boy I once loved and the boy who seemed to love me, as my best friends. I adored them and watched out for them, and they for me. Like Jo and Teddy in Little Women. I was even sketching a drawing of my signature character holding two scruffy teddy bears and hugging them close. But when the Claremore factor arose, that comfortable reality trembled. What would that mean if it were true? Could I hold onto my friendship with my original love, a friendship I valued deeper than anything? Would I end up having to choose between this new option and my old routines?

And as that question was put to me, I subconciously answered it without knowing. As I dealt with my confusion and frustration, the old love for him began to rear it's head again. I began to want him again. Why, oh why? Why now? I wondered. I was angry at my heart for adding in one more wrinkle to a problem my head already couldn't solve.

Now that I know that the new love does not exist, or at least would like to pretend that it doesn't, all my worries, as well as any rekindlings, are doused. I look back on my panic and frustration and realize that as my harmony was threatened, I clung to my original love. I reached out for it, subconciously making the descision. I was afraid of losing the comfortable relationship I have, so I held to it all the more tightly. As soon as the threat was gone, so was the longing for him to be something more.

So what does this mean? Am I still in love with him? I suppose it does mean that. I think more, though, that it means I am very happy with where things are right now. Certainly, if things have to change, I'd like them to change in the "going out" direction, but I am very satisfied with what I have. Just don't take it away from me. I like my boy, I like my Teddy.