Just because we're best friends and closer than, in his brother's words, "bread and butter" doesn't mean I'm not still going to delight in silly things. i.e. tonight I got to sit in the backseat of Jill's car, scrunched beside him. And I got to grab his arm when a police car drove by. I'm not afraid to touch him now, now that I know he isn't bothered by it and even enjoys it. I was afraid to even put my hand on his arm, something I casually and naturally do to all my friends, guy or girl, but I'm not now. Mmm, and thats rather nice, because he's rather handsome and hugs from him are just the best freakin ever.

I do mean more to him than just a friend. We had a long conversation the other night, not necessarily about him and I, just about what was going on and how I was upset and he was upset. It was actually more of a fight. But it ended up with him really opening up to me, truly opening up. Not just being comfortable with me, but confiding in me. He'd never done that before. He's told me lots of times that I'm his closest friend, the only one he can talk to, but he's never really told me his feelings and what goes on inside his head. He told me so much stuff about him that I didn't know, and about how he views me. Apparently, I am not only his closest friend but his "safety net" and the most important person to him outside of his family. He told me some other things that I won't tell here, but I am so honored to know how much I mean to him.

He even said he likes my hugs and wishes we hugged more.

This is almost as good as a profession of love.

What is with this ambiguity? Some moments, I swear I mean more to him than just another friend. His eyes follow me wherever I go, I see him watching me. He makes wierd ironic references to "couple-ish" things. He seems to want to be around me. But sometimes, I'll sit down close to him, and he'll move away. Othertimes, he won't and sometimes he even moves closer. It sounds so silly and junior high to be measuring inches between his leg and mine when we sit beside eachother, but that's all I have to go on. Some nights, when we say goodbye, he'll hug me like a boyfriend hugs a girlfriend (see a few entries down) but other nights, like tonight, he barely puts his arms around me.

I just want to go up to him, rumple his hair and throw my arms around him. I want to lean against him when I'm tired. I want to grab his hand. Sometimes the desire to just hug him randomly is unbelievable. Tonight I got up from where we were sitting to get a drink, and as I walked back to the table I was siezed by a impulse to kiss him on the cheek. I almost did it. I cannot imagine a worse thing I could do. I want to wear his jacket.

I can't believe any of you are actually reading this. Stop.

This Fear

You seem to have this fear,
This fear of drowning in a sea of someone else.
You'll swim out too far,
You can't get back.
You gasp.
You choke,
And your self-reliance floats facedown.

And so you are now untouched by desire,
Or so you seem.
But are you man or machine?
Can nothing I do change this?
What smiles, what words,
Can lull your fears,
And bring you to these shores again?

You have this fear of getting lost
In a maze,
With your autonomy left at the gate.
I assure you,
No such price is required.
And the maze is not so confusing
Once you've gotten the hang of it.
But even then,
Would it be so bad
To get a little lost in me?